A magic suggestion for your friends and family

​When friends and family hear the news - they will almost immediately want to help.  This is great, of course, because we all need help. But it's often difficult to figure out what help we need - and for the helper, how best to help.  Without any guidance though, your family and friends may choose something on their own and their version of 'help' might not be what you want or need.

​ For example - many people send flowers or plants.  This is lovely, but plants need to be planted, watered, trimmed and maintained - otherwise they turn into a vase of dried, decaying and smelly twigs.  What most people don't realize is that, when you're busy caring for your loved one, you definitely don't want/need more things to do - and plant maintenance (for me) was one of those things I didn't want to do.
 
Other friends might make and send food.  This is GREAT if you're not handy in the kitchen or if you have other family members who require meal preparation.  If so, add it to your request list.  In our house, though, food is a tough thing to request because my wife is sensitive to gluten and I'm allergic to dairy.  Any food items arriving at our house were quickly eliminated.
 
Thankfully, there is a very easy/quick way to manage this and it comes down to communication.  Here's what you do:

1. Establish a communication forum.  This could be CaringBridge, Facebook or a simple email distribution list.  Your friends and family want to know what's going on - so streamline it so you only have to update 1 place.
2. Talk with your loved one about the chores, gifts and 'help' you want and need.  Don't be shy.  Mowing the lawn, running errands, sitting by your side in the treatment room, bathing the dogs, washing the car - it's all fair game.  Don't forget about people that want to send money or gifts.  If you like to read, ask for Amazon gift cards.  If you want prepared food, post some favorite food items or recipes.  People just want to help - so if you publish a list you'll be amazed at how quickly people sign up to help!
3. This one is the magic suggestion - Be sure to post something about what NOT to do.  For us, that included "no plants/flowers" and "no prepared meals" and "No stopping by unannounced".  Your friends and family will respect your desires - as long as you make them known.
4. Update your list regularly as newcomers will read through these guidelines/lists -- and your needs will change over time.

Hopefully this helps you get the care you need...and avoid the 'help' you don't.  Remember, caregiving is tough.  Don't be afraid to ask for help!

Author: Richard Anderson

Rich was an inspiring speaker at our inaugural Kick Ass Brunch Buffet.  An event in which we ate like kings and learned from cancer caregivers kicking ass at caregiving.