Cancer Caregivers: the Partner Perspective Part 2

​“One is the loneliest number . . .” begins a popular 1960’s song by Three Dog Night.
But 2 can be the loneliest number when your partner has cancer. 
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Treatments left Cindy* and her husband stranded at home and away from family and friends in order to keep germs and illness at bay.

We were such social people, and suddenly we didn’t have the same lifestyle anymore. It was incredibly isolating and I was constantly conflicted and guilty when I would get together with friends.

Cancer Changes a Partnership
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Caring for a partner with cancer is an emotionally traumatic experience. “I would look at my partner when she was down to 100 pounds due to treatments and I could see every one of her ribs. You can’t un-see something like that.” Chris shares. “You set aside being romantic in order to focus on the urgent things,” he states. For Chris, an amicable divorce has allowed his partner to focus on a few key roles in her life—one of them being a cancer survivor.

Cindy found that physical intimacy in her marriage suffered because of her husband’s cancer. “Nobody talks about the physical intimacy issues, and that just wasn’t there—my husband just didn’t have the energy for it.” 
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For Henry, his marriage is stronger now than it was before his wife was diagnosed. “We both appreciate each other more. We’ve faced the ultimate test and gotten stronger.” This is also true for Tayvon. “Cancer has made us better and we’ve dropped some of the behaviors that we found irksome.”

Personal Changes 
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When Henry’s wife was diagnosed, “I was in a job that I didn’t like much. Seeing what my wife when through and understanding what a real challenge is, has changed my perspective.”

I’ve figured out what is important and prioritized this by creating a circle: I try not to give a (darn) about what (I’ve put) on the outside (of the circle), but focus on the family and people we really want to spend time with on the inside. - Tayvon

You are not alone
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“After my husband passed away,” describes Asari, “I felt like I was dying. I would stay at work all day to numb the pain. My friends noticed and helped me through.”

Tayvon sought the help of a professional counselor and peer support through Jack’s Caregiver Coalition to “find people who truly understand what’s going on, to see the commitment of other caregivers to their partners, and to help me ask for help.”

It may seem that Jack's is the only resource out there for cancer caregivers, but we aren't!  We work closely with numerous community partners to connect the caregivers we serve with all the best resources in our community!

• Angel Foundation: Support for a parent with cancer or cancer caregiver.  Great summer camps for children caregivers!
• Brighter Days Grief Center: For caregivers anticipating or experiencing the loss of a loved one.
• Cancer Legal Care:  Helping caregivers navigate complex legal challenges.
• Cocktails and Chemo: Sending care packages to caregivers all across the country.
• Gilda’s Club Twin Cities: For anyone impacted be cancer.
• Pathways: Holistic healing events, classes, and sessions for caregivers.

 
Online resources exist as well.

• CancerCare: Caregiving support, podcasts, and information by cancer type.
• Caregiver Action Network (CAN): Resources, forums, and more for caregivers.
• Family Caregiver Alliance: Taking Care of YOU Self-Care for Family Caregivers article.
• National Cancer Institute: Resources for caregivers.
• Springboard Beyond Cancer: Resources for caregiver “self-management”.

 
“Now, I realize that we’re all mortal,” shares Asari. “To have this happen made me realize that I need to do the best I can with what time I have left.”
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Thank you to the brave men and women who shared their caregiving experience for this blog. We are grateful for their honesty, candor and willingness to “go public” in order to help others that find themselves in a similar situation.
 
*Names have been changed to protect confidentiality.