 I like community events where I can be at a table and talk to the people who most need to know about what we can offer. Being a part of the non-profit world for the past 15 years has taught me what to expect at these events and how to maximize downtime. Having a table at a community event is one-part networking and one-part resource fair. I enjoy these opportunities because connecting with people energizes me. Here’s how lugging a Lucite box into an event center at 7:00 AM on a Saturday fills my bucket: Face Time with Awesome People In the Caregiving Community.My lovely wife had reconstructive surgery after breast cancer 10 years ago. Afterward, the surgeon was the first person who spoke to me, to let me know how she was doing. Last Saturday, I saw him at the Breast Cancer Education Association’s annual conference. It was an opportunity to tell him again how much I appreciate him. I get called “Jack. I get pleasure being referred to as “Jack” by people who approach the table. I stopped correcting people a while back because they’re not too far off. Connecting with Caregivers I love connecting with Caregivers, particularly guy caregivers. Lots of fellas are stunned that an organization like Jack’s seems tailored just for them, and it reminds me all over again why what we do is so important. Being “Neighborly" There’s also something delightful about getting to know a “neighbor” whose table is next to you. You certainly learn about the organization, but a surprising number of personal connections are made too. Being a Resource for Community PartnersAnother favorite moment during these events is seeing health care professionals who approach the table go through their mental “rolodex” and land on the perfect person to refer. A Bonus! Plus... if you time it right, you can get both breakfast and lunch! We like community events so much that we are having one of our own! We are partnering with The Negative Space, presenting sponsor, the Colon Cancer Coalition, and a bunch of other fantastic organizations and businesses to bring the first full day CaregiverCON to the Twin Cities. This is a day made just for people who are caring for a loved one with a health crisis. If you, or someone you know is a Caregiver, sign up today! November 2nd is Approaching quickly, and we want to save a spot for you. To learn more, visit caregivercon.com to see the full agenda, the speakers, the sponsors, and to register. It’s only $10 and breakfast and lunch are included!
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Reflecting on The Big GIVE last year, two moments stand out. Moment 1Standing with Mike McGarry in his driveway in Woodbury, MN on July 6th 2023 after we had mobilized a team of encouragers to show up at his house. I was driving back and forth to Mayo every day to visit Tracy in the ER; coming home every day and feeling like I was abandoning her; worrying about the kids’ fears about their mom and wondering what I was going to tell them every day when they asked me, straight up, ‘tell me the truth.” - Mike McGarry We had just spent the evening feeding Mike’s family. At the end of the evening, at the end of his driveway, Mike looked me straight in the eyes and said, “Tonight was incredible, this must become a Jack’s program.” In that moment the goal of The Big GIVE 2023 was born. To launch a brand new program we’d call Storm Chasers.  Moment 2When the total raised that night was revealed on a giant check that Mike McGarry hoisted into the air. Our goal had been to raise $125,000. The check in Mike’s hands read $133,630. The Storm ChaserOn November 1st, 2024 at this year’s Big GIVE we will unveil “The Storm Chaser”. A mobile kitchen that will encourage caregivers one meal at a time. Here’s a rendering of the kitchen we showed our donors last year.  A rendering of the mobile kitchen we shared at The Big GIVE last year. We hope you’ll join us On November 1st to see what built with those funds. In my opinion the real thing is more impressive than what we imagined. Join Us for The Big GIVE 2024!Register today. And if you can't attend, please donate towards the fundraiser.
by Founder & Executive Director, Kyle Woody  It was the day before Thanksgiving. In Norfolk, Virginia, in 2011, when my wife Sarah was diagnosed with Colon Cancer. She was only 34 years old. We had just celebrated our second son’s first birthday. About a year later, some friends from California traveled across the country to spend a week with us. At the dinner table that first night, Sarah and I shared the things in the area that we hoped they could see and do during their week with us. “That’s nice” they responded. “But we didn’t come here for that. We came here to serve you.” That wasn’t particularly surprising, except for one thing--They were looking at me. “But I don’t need help,” I said. “Sarah’s the one with cancer.” They went on to explain that before they came, they spoke with a friend of theirs who had been through what we were experiencing. They asked him, “How can we best show up for this family? What should we do?”, and he told them, “Serve the caregiver. They’re always forgotten.” His name was Jack. A couple of years later, Sarah and I had moved our little family to where she had long desired to live and where she would die, the Twin Cities of Minnesota. Jack’s wisdom had changed me. For the first time I saw myself as a caregiver and I became hell-bent on finding other caregivers to serve. First, I found Justin Nicolay of Prior Lake; then, Dustin Cesarek of Burnsville. We all realized what a difference it made to talk to other guys who were caregivers. So, in December of 2014, the three of us founded a non-profit hospitality company we call Jack’s Caregiver Coalition. -Kyle Woody What’s Happened Since Then It’s been close to 10 years since Kyle, Justin, and Dustin founded Jack’s Caregiver Coalition. In that time, Jack’s has improved the lives of countless caregivers. 97% of the men who engaged with Jack’s reported an average of 80% improvement in how equipped they felt for their caregiving role. Caregivers Helping Caregivers It started with Kyle, Justin, and Dustin meeting up to encourage each other. This practice turned into our Jack-to-Jack coaching program. Then, Jack’s addressed the “support group issue.” Traditional support group models didn’t serve guy caregivers in a way that made them comfortable enough to attend. So, Jack’s started the Klatch, a support group with a different feel to it. These Klatches are a place where caregivers can talk about what is going on in their lives; what they walked in with. They decide what they will talk about. It is refreshing to discover that you aren’t alone. Continued Support Throughout the Entire Caregiving Journey Over the years, we learned that the transition from Caregiver to someone living with loss is filled with complex emotions and continued support needs. So, Jack’s created the Sequel Maker program. This provides a continuum of care for people who are all too quickly forgotten about by the rest of the world. Standing with Caregivers Amid Their StormsWe also recognized the perilous time in a Caregiver’s journey when they must call their family and closest friends to come to their home because their loved one is close to the end. So, we started Storm Chasers. This program utilizes our mobile support team and our new kitchen on wheels. Many of us have been there, ourselves. So, we show up with food and encouragement for the family. Continuing to Innovate Support Our latest innovation involves the Twin Cities care community coming together to support caregivers by providing a day of refreshment, resources, and belonging. CaregiverCON is for Caregivers from any background; men and women caring for a loved one who is facing a health crisis. Caregiving Is a Team Sport These programs have all been made possible by generous donors. And we are growing. Expanded programming means that we are serving more caregivers than ever before. So, this year, we have greater needs than ever before. If you have ever wondered what you can do to make a difference for caregivers, we have something you can do. Help by Supporting Our Big GIVE Fundraiser.You can attend this special night and even buy a table and invite your friends or your team from work. Too busy to attend? You can be a sponsor, raising visibility for your business—or you can donate—without attending.
 Navigating the challenges of caregiving can often feel overwhelming, especially for those just beginning their journey. That’s where Jack’s Caregiver Coalition steps in with its innovative Jack-to-Jack coaching program. At its core, this program connects individuals who have firsthand experience in caregiving with those who are newly embarking on this path. Jack-to-Jack Fosters Connection Combat Caregiver Isolation By pairing "Jacks" based on shared interests or experiences, participants gain not only practical guidance but also emotional support from someone who truly understands their journey. Whether it’s a common love for music, similar backgrounds, or even shared diagnoses, the connections forged through Jack-to-Jack create a nurturing environment where caregivers can thrive. How to Describe It Sometimes the simplest concepts are the most successful. I struggle to define our Jack-to-Jack program when pitching to potential “coachee’s.” Essentially, our Jack-to-Jack peer coaching programs puts someone who has “been there” with someone new to a journey none of us want to take. When a “Jack” requests a coach, we pair them with a commonality, a love of music, they might be neighbors or even a shared diagnosis. I’m a coach for a few fellas and sometimes it’s just a hunch that a coaching/coachee pairing is a good match. The Lost Art of Listening Allison Breininger of The Negative Space and the good folks at the Firefly Sisterhood shared the simple concept of doing more listening as a coach than talking. I check myself against this standard every time I sit down with someone. Our coaches at Jack’s know that this is not your typical one and done volunteer gig. Most of our coaches have been on the receiving end of another coach. It’s the perfect training ground and it may not be surprising to know that participants feel as a though they receive more than they get. The Power of Peer Support  The Jack-to-Jack coaching program exemplifies the power of peer support in the caregiving community. By fostering meaningful connections between those who have experienced the challenges of caregiving and those who are just starting out, we empower individuals to navigate their journeys with confidence and resilience. How You Can Help To continue this vital work, we need your support. Join us in championing caregivers by investing in programs like Jack-to-Jack. Together, we can make a profound difference in the lives of caregivers and ensure they never have to face their challenges alone. Reach out to Heather Erickson today to learn how you can sponsor Jack’s Caregiver Coalition’s 2025 programming for Caregivers and Sequel Makers.
By Jeff Myhre  Mike Dykema joined Jack’s in August 2023. Mike saw that he was heading for heartache and knew that he needed the kind of help that only a someone unfamiliar to him, but with a similar experience could tackle. I remember sitting down with Mike just days after the loss of his wife, Emily. He was heartbroken angry and lost… just like I was a quarter century earlier, when I was a young man, living with loss, like Mike. Mike was encouraged to lean on his fellow widowers at Jack’s, and for a while, we spoke with Mike frequently. He soon found purpose in remembering Emily, by starting his own foundation called The Gem Project, in memory of her. The Gem Project held it’s first fundraiser on the anniversary of Emily’s passing. How Has Jack's Helped?I asked Mike how Jack’s has shaped his caregiving journey. He said, “Jack’s provided me clarity that can only come from someone outside of my family and friends. The Klatches are key giving me perspective… it’s nice to hear the same thoughts (from other sequel makers) that have walked the same journey as me.” Mike also had this bit of wisdom to share to those grieving:”Know that there are other out there that are insightful and experienced that can help. Jack’s is an amazing way to start. Mike Is a Jack's AmbassadorYou can meet him at The Big GIVE on November 1st and at CaregiverCON on November 2nd. Please consider sponsoring one of these events to support Caregivers and Sequel Makers like Mike.
 We are proud to announce that Dr. Jean Accius has officially begun his term as our newest Board Chair. Jean’s connection with our coalition dates back to 2016 when he stumbled upon us while conducting groundbreaking research on male family caregivers at AARP. His work culminated in the publication of Breaking Stereotypes: Spotlight on Male Family Caregivers, a pivotal report that shed light on an often-overlooked aspect of caregiving. Jean's discovery of our coalition was no mere coincidence—it marked the beginning of a strong and enduring partnership. Over the years, Jean has been an unwavering supporter of our mission, advocating for caregivers and helping to amplify their voices. Now, as the President and CEO of CHC: Creating Healthier Communities, Jean continues his dedication to strengthening communities, a passion that resonates deeply with our coalition’s core values. A Vision for Empowering CommunitiesJean’s leadership at CHC reflects his commitment to health equity and his belief in the power of community. During our recent CaregiverCONx, attendees overwhelmingly identified community as the most crucial element they sought in attending the conference. Jean’s experience in empowering communities to thrive will be instrumental in sustaining and growing the support networks that caregivers desperately need. As Kyle Woody, one of our coalition’s founders, aptly stated, “Jean’s experience in empowering communities to thrive will help us sustain and strengthen the community caregivers everywhere are desperately searching for.” Jean’s leadership will undoubtedly drive our coalition forward as we work to build stronger, more connected communities for caregivers. A Distinguished Career in Health Equity and Public PolicyDr. Accius has long been passionate about equity, the contributions of women to society, and making the world a better place. Raised in Haiti by his grandmother from infancy to age four, Jean was inspired by her hard work and dedication, which have influenced his career path to this day. Jean is a recognized innovator in health equity, longevity, and health systems transformation. His vision centers on creating equitable systems that enable every individual in every community to live a longer, healthier, and more productive life. As President and CEO of CHC, Jean leads a high-performing team committed to breaking down barriers to optimal health and empowering communities to thrive. With a deep understanding of business and public policy, Jean has a proven track record of developing creative and actionable solutions that address disparities. He has successfully collaborated across public, private, and nonprofit sectors to accelerate change, demonstrating his ability to drive impactful outcomes. From AARP to CHC: A Journey of ImpactBefore his tenure at CHC, Dr. Accius spent over 15 years at AARP, the nation’s largest nonprofit dedicated to empowering people as they age. His roles at AARP included serving as the Senior Vice President of International Affairs and Global Thought Leadership, where he led initiatives that made a compelling business case for diversity in the workforce and conducted pioneering research on the economic contributions of older populations. Jean’s work has been widely recognized for its transformational impact. Among his accolades are the Next Avenue Influencer in Aging Award (2020), Black Enterprise magazine’s Modern Man of Distinction (2018), and Florida State University’s Distinguished Black Alumni of the Year (2021). He is a sought-after author and speaker, regularly featured in prominent outlets such as The New York Times, The Boston Globe, Forbes, TIME Magazine, and Politico. Jean has also facilitated sessions at the World Economic Forum in Davos and engaged leaders across industries at the United Nations. A Legacy of Leadership and ScholarshipDr. Accius is not only a leader but also a prolific contributor to the academic and professional discourse on aging, caregiving, and health equity. He has published numerous journal articles and research reports that have informed policy and practice across the country. His work includes:
Jean’s academic journey is as impressive as his professional one. He holds a Ph.D. in Public Administration from American University, a Master’s degree in Aging Studies from Florida State University, and has completed executive education programs at Stanford and Harvard. He is also a certified director with the National Association of Corporate Directors and a fellow with the Executive Leadership Council. Looking Ahead: Jean Accius’s Vision for Our CoalitionAs Jean steps into his role as Board Chair, we are excited to see the direction in which he will lead us. His deep understanding of the challenges caregivers face, combined with his expertise in health equity and community empowerment, makes him uniquely qualified to guide our coalition into the future.
Under Jean’s leadership, we will continue to advocate for caregivers, develop innovative programs, and strengthen the communities that are the backbone of caregiving. We look forward to the positive impact Jean will undoubtedly have on our coalition and the broader caregiving community. Please join us in welcoming Dr. Jean Accius as our new Board Chair. Together, we will work to create a world where caregivers are supported, empowered, and celebrated for the vital role they play in our society.  We are pleased to announce that we have purchased a trailer. In its current form, it’s basically the shell of our future mobile kitchen. Caregiver, Fred Sklenar has created a brilliant and detailed plan to trick out the trailer, giving us all the features we will need to execute Storm Chaser’s events smoothly. Meet Fred Sklenar Fred is a Jack and master of all trades. While a lot goes into a project of this magnitude, it is in good hands with him. As Fred planned the layout, he created a detailed digital 3D model of the trailer. He put together a game plan for its construction and drew up a detailed picking list of supplies and building materials.
Fred has also arranged a construction site where we will work on the trailer and has offered to be both a foreman and laborer on the project. Construction will begin later this month. With Fred’s skill and know-how, we can’t wait to see the final results. We hope to have the trailer ready to go next month. In the meantime, we will update you on the progress as we move forward. By Jeff Myhre On my first day as part of the Jack's team, my first official duty at Jack's was to attend a Caregiver Klatch at (the now, sadly, shuttered) Common Roots in Uptown Minneapolis. It was at the tail end of summer and traffic was thick because we Minnesotan's love our State Fair. I knew it was a support group...and that's about it. Not Your Ordinary Support GroupTrue to my nature, I was early, and because of the traffic everyone else was late. After arranging and rearranging post-it's and sharpies for a while. I introduced myself to the participants as they trickled in. I took drink orders and dithered over the menu. Then calvary (Kyle) arrived. Different Location, Same Great KlatchIt's now pushing two years later, and I have the honor of hosting a couple Klatches a month. One for active Caregivers and one for Sequel Makers.The location of the klatches is now the Urban Growler in St. Paul, but the vibe is still the same. Our Members Are The MagicOur Members Are The Magic Last week following a well-attended Sequel Makers Klatch, I was once again dithering over sharpies and post-its and noticed no one...no one... had left. Each Jack and Jill had created their own breakout group. After a while I left to close out the bill. When I returned, I saw two fellas still chattering and laughing. I hope the staff at the Urban Growler didn't mind waiting to clear the space... but I wasn't gonna break that spell.
 Super-Volunteers Mark Mattson and Roger Miller There’s volunteer work and there’s super-volunteer work…We at Jack’s ask a lot of our volunteers and it’s just not the same as a one-and-done afternoon at a food shelf. Not only do our volunteers show up to serve our caregivers and Sequel Makers, but they dig deep into their emotional luggage to recall valuable but sometimes painful experiences. It’s this sacrifice on their part that is often the balm that eases the pain of those walking through their own caregiving or loss journey, and helps a fellow Jack feel less alone. We refer to these brave men and women as Super Volunteers
And these are just some of our amazing volunteers!We have guys that coach other caregivers, Klatch facilitators, and boots on the ground for events. We event have guys that put their skills to use to build things that will serve caregivers, like a custom mobile kitchen for Storm Chasers events.
Words are insufficient, but for today, they will have to do. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Although Eric is ten years younger than me, he is one month my senior in grief. His wife, Melissa, died on June 1, 2023, from complications caused Fanconi Anemia (FA), a condition she’d lived with her entire life. FA is a bone marrow failing disease and DNA breakage syndrome. People with this condition may have bone marrow failure, physical abnormalities, organ defects, and an increased risk of certain cancers. Grief was still fresh from my own loss, so I cautioned Eric up front that I would do my best to be professional and keep the crying to a minimum. We both laughed. “Jack’s will get what they paid for,” I joked. He understood. I asked him to tell me about their lifelong journey together, a journey that began in their teen years, when they were both so young.  Eric and Melissa, July 27, 2022, at their son Dylan’s wedding in Red Wing, MN Young Love. “We met when we were 12, started dating when we were 14, as freshmen in high school, and never broke up. “There was just something about her, and we just knew. My mom would tell me it was puppy love, but I would tell her it was different, even at that young age. This was real love.” They went to different colleges, in different states, with Eric studying in Rapid City, SD, and Melissa in Bloomington, MN. At the end of their freshman year, Melissa’s younger sister passed away from complications with FA. (This was their third close family member to pass away within a 15-month timeframe: Eric’s father and Melissa’s grandmother both passed away during their senior year of high school). Melissa then transferred to a college in Rapid City, South Dakota, so she could be near him. Still in college, they were married on October 4, 1996, in an outdoor wedding in the central Black Hills of South Dakota, a place they always loved. Despite the promise of difficulty and tragedy that comes with an FA diagnosis, Eric and Melissa enjoyed many happy and healthy years together. Their son, Dylan, was born in 2000 and daughter, Kailey, was born in 2003. They were young parents, trying to figure out careers while raising their children. Melissa received certification as a veterinary technician and worked in emergency medicine at a veterinary hospital, while Eric pursued Information Technology, specializing in database and container platforms. The young family loved to camp and spent many years at a seasonal campground in northern Minnesota. They traveled frequently for their kids’ sports (gymnastics and martial arts) competitions all over the country. Caregiving. “In late 2010, Melissa’s health progressed beyond monitoring, and we started her poly-chronic medical journey. “For about a year and half, she was getting pneumonias that just never got better. Doctors would give her antibiotics and she would seem to get better; she’d be healthy for a couple weeks but then the pneumonia would just come back. We tried everything, from ENT specialists to lung doctors to clean out her sinuses and lungs, trying to find the cause of her illness. “They put tubes in her ears, hoping that would help. As an adult, you’re just expected to sit there while they cut your eardrums open to put tubes in your ears. Melissa said it was barbaric; it was tough seeing your spouse in so much pain.” They started going to the University of Minnesota Hospital for her treatment, where doctors began to treat Melissa for an immunodeficiency. An FA specialist at the U began studying Melissa’s bone marrow health, with multiple bone marrow biopsies, which continued for the next six-plus years. By early 2016, Melissa was on a trifecta of drugs: antiviral, antifungal, and antibiotics to treat various ailments. In June 2016 Melissa’s bone marrow health had reached a point where she needed an Allogeneic Bone Marrow Transplant (BMT). She needed bone marrow from a donor and had to stay in the hospital for the transplant for almost a month. Then, she was discharged home and required to return to the BMT clinic every day for 100 (about 3 and a half months) days so doctors could closely monitor her health. “It was terrible. As bad as she felt (she was sick almost every day during the process), as sick as she was, she would always get up in the morning, we’d get in the car and drive 23 miles to the BMT clinic. She was so strong. I couldn’t believe she could do this.” Eric was Melissa’s primary caregiver. He was going to every doctor’s appointment, taking her to the University of Minnesota every day, tracking all the medication she needed to take, working a full-time job, and taking care of their kids at home. Thankfully, Eric’s employer was always supportive, so Eric would often work from the hospital when Melissa was admitted. Support. Eric and Melissa had great support from family, friends, and their church community. During the transplant and critical 100 days following the procedure, Eric had direct help from his mother and Melissa’s parents. Eric’s mom stayed at the house with the kids during the transplant hospitalization and Melissa’s parents moved in during the critical 100 days at home. This was a huge help to Eric. Even when he went out, leaving Melissa with friends and family, he was always thinking about her care, always worrying that something would be missed, and she would not get the care that only he could provide. Despite the support, “I wasn’t good at asking for help. People would say, ‘Hey, I’d like to help,’ but I could never think of anything. Her care was 99.5% my responsibility and I had to take it all on. Even if I was gone for an hour, I was worried that something would be forgotten, and she would suffer because of it. I never wanted to leave her because I was always scared that something would happen to her while I was gone; something I could have dealt with if I’d been there.” That fear was always with him.  Eric and Melissa, August 1, 2020, Nemadji State Forest. Seasons. “There were seasons when we were in a valley and things were big and heavy, when I was doing a lot of caregiving and working a lot of hours and trying to provide for our kids, but then there were times when she was healthy, and she was able to take care of herself and help with everything else around the house. There were so many times along the journey when I needed to be involved, go to all the appointments, be her advocate, and speak to the doctors on her behalf. Then, in 2019, Melissa was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent a double mastectomy. “Melissa had so many complications over the years that her providers began suggesting elective surgery to prevent cancer.” Several other cancer diagnoses followed, and, in 2021, due to increased risks of reproductive cancers caused by FA, doctors recommended that she undergo a full ovarian hysterectomy. “The treatments and the chemo really affected her mental acuity, and she really hated it. It was like toxic warfare on her body. So, a lot of times, she really couldn’t remember a conversation we’d had 45 minutes before. It affected her short-term memory, so I had to be there and ask the questions, keep track of all the medications and treatments she would need. I couldn’t risk putting this responsibility in anyone else’s hands.” In 2020, Melissa’s began to get full body cramps that crippled her in pain. The cramps would go up her arms and legs and become so severe that she would think that the bones in her fingers were breaking. In the spring of 2022, she began to get pains in her abdomen that continued throughout the summer. By the fall, the pain became so severe and in November they found themselves in the emergency room, where she was diagnosed with Stage IV end-stage liver disease and Hepatocellular Carcinoma, both of which were not treatable and were terminal. The doctors were not able to treat the liver disease, but they did treat the cancer, hoping to shrink the tumors and provide her some comfort. Unfortunately, by January, the tumors had only grown, despite the immunotherapy. Melissa opted out of cancer-directed treatment to focus on spending quality time with her family.  Eric and Melissa, 10/20/2022, at family wedding in Stillwater, MN. Preparing. Eric and Melissa were always transparent with each other and communicated age-appropriate information with their children. Melissa was dying. “We didn’t sugarcoat anything with the kids. We spent a lot of time talking about Melissa and how it would be when their mom was gone. We’d also been honest with them about the risks their mom had years before when she had the bone marrow transplant–at the time, doctors had told us that there was a 50/50 chance that she would die from the procedure. “The worst part was seeing your kids get sad, knowing that their mom was dying and that there was nothing that I could do about it.” Melissa entered hospice in April of 2023 and passed away peacefully in the early morning on June 1, 2023, with Eric by her side.  Eric, Melissa, son Dylan, daughter Kailey. 8/13/2013 - Family photo in Minneapolis, MN Grief cannot be bound. You think it can. You think you can compartmentalize it, isolate it, and lock it away to be brought out when it’s convenient for you, when you’re ready and alone and when you have nothing else to do but face it and let it have its way with you. It doesn’t work that way with grief. Grief is in charge. Grief does all those things to you. You face grief when grief is ready, and when it hits you, it can wash you away like a shell on the beach. “We knew it was going to happen. We’d prepared for her death, and I really thought I’d be ready when it happened. “I assured her, when she would worry about us being alone, that we would be Okay when she was gone. We talked a lot about her death and discussed how to use her limited death benefit. With it, we gifted her car to our daughter and forgave a small loan to our son. “We lived through years of anticipatory grief, but when she died, that’s when real grief hit! I’m like, ‘holy smokes!’ This is different than when she was alive, and we planned and talked about her death, and she was there. This grief was not at all what I expected. “Now, she’s gone. She’s not there. I’m alone and the grief and death are real. “Now it's a one-sided conversation.  Eric and Melissa, September 30, 2022, Black Hills, SD. “She’s gone. I’m 47 and alone. I know I’m an adult and I can live alone–it’s just that I’ve never done it. She’s always been there with me. Now, it’s just me. “I thought I had prepared so much for this grief and now it’s like I haven’t prepared at all.” Becoming intentional. With caregiving, isolation can become easy, even comfortable. When the caregiving is over and your loved one passes, you’re still in that comfortable bubble where you may want to stay alone. It takes intention and great willpower to fight that temptation, especially while you’re grieving the loss of one so dear. For Eric, the pandemic and his job’s work-from-home status, and years of self-imposed isolation because of Melissa’s compromised immune system, it became easy, almost second nature, to lock himself in and just not go out. But he fought that temptation and became intentional about breaking out of the bubble of isolation. After Melissa’s death, he started reaching out and joined several grief groups in his community, hoping to make sense of the tremendous loss in his life. He became involved in Jack’s Caregiver Coalition Sequel Makers and started attending Klatches for support. “I could just sit at home and wallow in my grief, but I had to be intentional about meeting up with people, doing grief groups, and going to Jack’s events. A lot of times, I just didn’t want to go out but after I went out and got support, I was glad I went and got out of the house and made contact with others who could relate. “Through the Jack’s Klatches, I get so much of the companionship from other men who can relate to my loss. I love the dynamic of the Klatches. I love how the meetings are structured, how they’re managed and facilitated. I love the concept of Jack’s–men helping men. It really helps to be surrounded by other men who are grieving in the same way that I am. The support provides such a level of comfort and companionship that I miss. “Several of the Jack’s guys have invited me out to other Sequel Maker events, like the Firepit Fridays and Thirsty Thursdays and they’re mostly in my area. These events offer a lot of support for me. They give me reasons to go out and get out of the house. I talk to Mark Mattson quite a bit.”  Kailey (daughter), Dylan (son), Gabrielle (daughter-in-law), Eric and Melissa, July 27, 2022, at Dylan and Gabrielle’s wedding in Red Wing, MN. A new season. Since they’d known each other, whenever he had to share anything, it had been Melissa who he shared it with. And after she died, he instinctively turned to her to tell her about anything that happened, only to find that she was no longer there. In November, when he was hunting and bears showed up at his camp, the first thing he thought of was grabbing his phone and telling Melissa about the bears. “People knew us as Eric and Melissa our whole lives, from the time we were friends, best friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife. We were always together, our whole lives, and everyone knew us together. We did everything together. We went through puberty together. We went to high school and college together. Every major and minor discussion in my life with Melissa–buying a car, buying a house, planning for retirement. It’s always been with Melissa.”  Eric and Melissa with dog, Ellie, August 30, 2020, Black Elk Peak, Black Hills, SD. “Melissa is gone, and I need to be intentional about what’s in my sequel–I acknowledge the past; I’m alive and I’m still allowed to enjoy life. There are a lot of things I had to put on the ‘shelf’ so I could be a caregiver for Melissa. One of those things was bird hunting. I love bird hunting. My son recently asked me if I want to bird hunt again and I’m like ‘Yes! Yes, I do. That would be fantastic!’ So, a whole bunch of things just came together, and I got a dog. He’s an awesome companion, but it’s not like a human relationship. It fills a little bit of the void. He likes to cuddle and sit on my lap and he’s just a good buddy. But the physical touch is missing, what I had with Melissa. The love we shared is missing. “And that’s hard!”  Eric trying to work from home. Bismarck wanting to play. |
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